Would it have been?

In March of 2006, a boy asked me out. I said yes.

It is now March 2022. 

That was 16 years ago.

I am now trying to divorce her. Yes, her. It's been over 4 years since she decided to tell me she was a woman. For 3 years I stuck out her transition with her. 

Things got rocky the more time passed.

I am not sure I was ever not abused, emotionally. Manipulated into a co-dependency. An almost PG version of the Joker and Harley. I say almost because of course there is sex involved in romance, especially one that lasts so many years, so in no way could you honestly front a romance story as PG. In some ways, when I really look at it, the reality of the relationship is rated R. 

That is neither here nor there and I am working on a book where I outline all this out and lay my trauma out for me to really get a grip on it plain as day. But now, I am in a completely different space.

My boyfriend and I are in a two bedroom apartment with my two kids. My ex's two kids. My boyfriend's kids, now. They so badly want to make him happy. They love him, I think... they say they do, and that has to count for something. I love him, too. Not only because I feel like he rescued me and the kids from my last relationship. Also because of who he is as a person. He is kind and generous and protective of the ones he loves. His heart is so huge, like mine, that people often mistake it for a rug. I am familiar with this. 

I'm worried, though. He has anger issues, and he hasn't had much life experience yet. He is only 24, and I am 32. He has no dreams, goals, or ambitions... beyond making me happy... and I am beginning to suffocate. I spoke with him about it recently. He says he hears me, but I am not sure it sunk in... 

We are pregnant, my boyfriend and I, and I am stuck in this depressed mindset wondering if he will ever get off his butt and make something more of himself. If he doesn't, I will need to break his heart. He will take it personal and say "I Told You I'm A Disappointment."  The fact that I know this is how he would be should say something. The fact that he's been here for months and made no progress toward goals should say something. The fact that I am obviously stressed about it but he is still playing games should say something.

I Can Not Ignore Flags Ever Again. 

I am going to talk to him more today I think.